365 Tips to Parenting

I'm pretty sure I've posted this in other places a while back, but I was just reading through it and it put a huge smile on my face and I wanted to share it with all of you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

#001: Cut off the crusts.

#002: Make real cocoa.

#003: Hang their drawings on the fridge.

#004: Say the clay ashtray is what you always wanted.

#005: Sing silly songs.

#006: Make goofy faces.

#007: Let them take off the training wheels.

#008: Remind the Tooth Fairy about inflation.

#009: Buy a good stain remover.

#010: Let them keep the kitten.

#011: Remember when YOU misbehaved.

#012: If you don't know, say so.

#013: Let grandma spoil them.

#014: Let them stay up just a little bit longer.

#015: Lock up the good china.

#016: Tickle.

#017: Be a good sport.

#018: Be a good friend.

#019: Smile when your mother-in-law gives you advice.

#020: ALL mothers are working mothers.

#021: Ultimatums don't work.

#022: Bribes work.

#023: Hysteria will get you nowhere.

#024: Their first summer at camp is murder.

#025: Let them lick the spoon.

#026: Learn lots of lullabies.

#027: Breastfeeding in public goes over better in Europe.

#028: Learn to handle sleep deprivation.

#029: Have an answer ready for "Where do babies come from?"

#030: Don't flinch when they grow taller than you.

#031: Going to college don't mean they won't come back.

#032: Don't teach them to parallel park.

#033: Be consistent.

#034: Think quick.

#035: Improvise.

#036: Sympathize.

#037: Remember: It's just a phase.

#038: "Wait till your father gets home" is a cop-out.

#039: "Because I said so" is a good reason.

#040: Never tell them how much they'll inherit.

#041: Teach them four precious words: "We can't afford it.".

#042: Carry Wash'n Dri.

#043: Smile when you change that diaper.

#044: It's absolutely okay to say "No".

#045: Buy chunky peanut butter in jumbo jars.

#046: Run a credit line at the toy store.

#047: Forget suede.

#048: Teachers ARE underpaid.

#049: Learn the rules of football.

#050: Teach them to write thank you notes.

#051: Your teenage daughter WILL find you embarrassing.

#052: Cheese food is not cheese.

#053: Thirteen is too late to put them up for adoption.

#054: Potty training builds character (yours).

#055: Sibling rivalry builds character (theirs).

#056: Worry, worry, worry.

#057: Childbirth is not for wimps.

#058: Stretch marks are a badge of honor.

#059: Half your brain leaves with the placenta.

#060: Donate pre-pregnancy jeans to charity.

#061: Don't read the label on baby formula.

#062: With luck, they'll call you once a week when they leave.

#063: With luck, they won't call collect.

#064: With luck, they'll pay for their own therapy when grown.

#065: No matter what, they'll always be your babies.

#066: The older they get, the wiser you'll seem.

#067: Just when you've got them figured out, they change.

#068: Kiss it and make it better.

#069: Make ice cube popsicles.

#070: If you promised, do it.

#071: Watch what you promise.

#072: When in doubt, say "We'll see."

#073: Bunk beds are cool.

#074: You'll sometimes act just like YOUR mother.

#075: Buy Permapress.

#076: Use the honor system.

#077: You can only shoot so much videotape.

#078: Pose good questions.

#079: Colic happens.

#080: Cowlicks happen.

#081: Look what being a martyr got Joan of Arc.

#082: A dishwasher is not a luxury.

#083: The new math is harder than the old math.

#084: Let's hear it for leftovers.

#085: Don't leave their teddy bear behind.

#086: Learn to make daisy chains.

#087: Not everyone can be a valedictorian.

#088: They're never too old to scold.

#089: They're never too big to hug.

#090: They're never too smart to receive some good advice.

#091: They're never too rich to take home your leftovers.

#092: Don't remind your grown son you changed his diapers.

#093: If they grow up to be doctors, take the credit.

#094: If they grow up to be lawyers, don't take the blame.

#095: If they become pro-athletes, take the house & car.

#096: If they become politicians they were switched at birth.

#097: Don't teach the kids your fear of bugs.

#098: Take them to a petting zoo.

#099: Don't use a pediatrician who isn't a parent.

#100: You can never have too many Kleenex.

#101: Reserve the New Year's Eve babysitter on January 2.

#102: You can blame just about anything on teething.

#103: Some of the great minds of our time were bed wetters.

#104: Let someone else break the news about Santa Claus.

#105: Not everyone can win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

#106: Iodine really DOES sting.

#107: Mother's Day comes but once a year--milk it.

#108: Adjust allowances for cost of living.

#109: Cookie dough is better than cookies.

#110: Don't let the kids forget Father's Day.

#111: Tie their mittens together.

#112: When they say they've got to go, stop!

#113: An unmade bed is easier to get into.

#114: Prove there's no monster under the bed.

#115: Hugs are the antidotes to nightmares.

#116: Don't put their favorite blankie in the wash.

#117: Disney World is not optional.

#118: A little fast food never killed anyone.

#119: They already know more about computers than you do.

#120: Even George Bush didn't eat his broccoli.

#121: Teach the kids to recycle.

#122: Someday your son will love another woman.

#123: When they leave home, you'll actually miss them.

#124: Whatever your age, you're too young to be a grandma.

#125: The more they tease you, the more you're loved.

#126: Always make their favorite dish when they visit.

#127: Believe it or not, SATs aren't everything.

#128: Yes, it's important they wear what their friends wear.

#129: Teenagers are SUPPOSED to dress goofy.

#130: Yes, we're all tired of dinosaurs.

#131: Anyone can make a secret special sauce.

#132: Buy them a globe.

#133: Socks and underwear are not gifts.

#134: Ear thermometers beat rectal any day.

#135: Hide old toys and reintroduce them next week.

#136: Bribe the babysitter with Hagen-Dazs.

#137: No matter what, your son will wind up with a toy gun.

#138: No matter what, your daughter will want Barbie.

#139: No matter what, you will memorize GOOD NIGHT MOON.

#140: Puberty was hell for you too.

#141: They'll always bring home their laundry.

#142: Courage.

#143: Grace doesn't count unless it's under pressure.

#144: Many geniuses were late bloomers.

#145: When you retire, feel free to spend their inheritance.

#146: Hold their hands during vaccinations.

#147: Look encouraging at the dentist.

#148: Don't give your son a crew cut.

#149: "Bambi" is too scary for five-year olds.

#150: Froot Loops are NOT a balanced meal.

#151: Yes, they need all sixty-four Crayolas.

#152: No, they can't have a pony.

#153: Chicken soup couldn't hurt.

#154: Keep the cookie jar full.

#155: Tuck them in.

#156: Add sound effects to the bedtime story.

#157: No, they REALLY can't have a pony.

#158: Gingerbread houses aren't worth the work.

#159: Tollhouse cookies ARE worth the work.

#160: Put plenty of icing on birthday cakes.

#161: Don't tell you helped blow out the candles.

#162: Kids give more gifts than they'll receive.

#163: Kids WILL drink straight from the carton.

#164: Look sad when the snowman melts.

#165: Kids prefer hot dogs to duck a l'orange.

#166: A sense of humor is a necessity.

#167: They don't call it women's intuition for nothing.

#168: Insist on short-haired dogs.

#169: Coax the cat out of the tree.

#170: For the last time, a pony is out!

#171: Sew name tags in their underwear.

#172: Be a den mother.

#173: Let your daughter have a training bra.

#174: Buy your share of EXPENSIVE Girl Scout cookies

#175: Cultivate the art of napping.

#176: Washable markers aren't.

#177: Help build a sandcastle.

#178: Let them make a fort out of boxes.

#179: Piano lessons aren't for everyone.

#180: Tell Dad to share the toy trains.

#181: Tell your daughter she CAN be a fire fighter.

#182: Host a slumber party.

#183: Don't hover.

#184: Childhood doesn't go as fast as they say.

#185: Don't make your twelve-year-old shop for underwear.

#186: Take snapshots on the first day of school.

#187: Help carve a pumpkin.

#188: Sail paper airplanes.

#189: Teach them to whistle.

#190: Volunteer for class trips.

#191: Join the PTA.

#192: Don't panic.

#193: Hunt for four-leaf clovers.

#194: Befriend other mothers.

#195: Don't let kids record answering machine messages.

#196: Scotchguard everything.

#197: There's a little Martha Stewart in all of us.

#198: Never use the check-out with the candy display.

#199: All car trip diversions last three minutes.

#200: Snowsuits induce the desire to go to the bathroom.

#201: Let them eat Oreos inside-out.

#202: Be ready when kids ask "What were the Beatles?".

#203: You did SO do that at their ages.

#204: The more solemn the moment, the louder they cry.

#205: Kids get dirty quicker on more important occasions.

#206: Don't take kids grocery shopping on empty stomachs.

#207: Forget your moral objections to pacifiers.

#208: Forbidden junk food will be eaten at neighbor's house.

#209: Prohibited TV shows will be watched at neighbor's home.

#210: Tell know-it-alls: Mind your own business.

#211: Put a lock on your bedroom door.

#212: Trust your instincts.

#213: Occasionally you WILL use the TV as a babysitter.

#214: If they won't clean their plates, use smaller plates.

#215: Pack school lunches with good trading items.

#216: There's a lot of wisdom in MAD magazine.

#217: Don't flush the fish.

#218: Let them eat cake.

#219: Let them eat animal crackers.

#220: Keep smiling.

#221: There's no escaping car pools.

#222: Yes, they'll need braces.

#223: Yes, they'll need stitches.

#224: Guilt is an art form.

#225: Curfews are made to be broken.

#226: Dry their tears.

#227: Play Name the State Capitals.

#228: Teach them to read maps.

#229: Do a jigsaw puzzle together.

#230: Ask only that they try their best.

#231: Your son's wife will not be pretty enough.

#232: Your daughter's husband will not earn enough.

#233: When they have kids, they'll REALLY appreciate you.

#234: Grandchildren are for spoiling.

#235: Transfer old home movies to video.

#236: Make lemonade from real lemons.

#237: It's your duty to brag.

#238: Point out that your granddaughter has your eyes.

#239: Be sure to mention that your grandson has your smile.

#240: Let your daughter think she's a better mother than you.

#241: When daughter's in labor don't say "Now you know.".

#242: Teenage daughters are hazardous to your health.

#243: Teenage sons are hazardous to their own health.

#244: How long CAN you put off the birds & bees lecture?

#245: How many times can you rewrite your will?

#246: Never buy retail.

#247: Cheer when they get their driver's licenses.

#248: Smile when they squash your Chevy.

#249: Send a care package to college.

#250: Resist the impulse to clean their dorm rooms.

#251: If they become Ivy Leaguers it's because of YOUR genes.

#252: If they're going to State, it's because of Dad's genes.

#253: Teach them to swim early.

#254: Insist on bike helmets.

#255: Learn CPR.

#256: Take them to the circus.

#257: Send an apple for the teacher.

#258: No blue hair.

#259: Remind them when it's your silver anniversary.

#260: Forbid them to put you in a nursing home.

#261: Threaten to haunt them from beyond the grave.

#262: Ask them for advice once in a while.

#263: Look humble when they say "How'd you do it, Mom?"

#264: Pass along your wedding dress to your daughter.

#265: Give Snickers at Halloween.

#266: Remember the names of their stuffed animals.

#267: Watch all the Peanuts TV specials.

#268: Buy industrial-size detergent boxes.

#269: Learn to say "Watch out!" with feeling.

#270: Buy them cool lunch boxes.

#271: Remain calm when you find your son's "Playboy".

#272: Remain calm when you find daughter's birth control.

#273: Your daughter's house will never be as clean as yours.

#274: Dance a tango at your child's wedding.

#275: Reminisce.

#276: Make their Halloween costumes.

#277: Play Scrabble with them.

#278: Play cards with them.

#279: Good news and bad: Anything can be a toy.

#280: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're walking.

#281: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're talking.

#282: Good news & bad: Before you know it they're in college.

#283: Keep a first-aid kit handy.

#284: You and Dad need a "Date Night".

#285: Let them make their own sundaes.

#286: Don't show their dates naked baby pictures.

#287: Traditions are important.

#288: Don't forget, each new kid is a tax deduction.

#289: Teach them to love libraries.

#290: Help start a stamp collection.

#291: Give pennies for piggy banks.

#292: Learn to love Trolls.

#293: Pray for a chicken pox vaccine.

#294: Don't insist on combing your daughter's hair in public.

#295: Try to get some breakfast in them.

#296: Ice cream still solves most problems.

#297: You can't praise a kid too much.

#298: Buy them a good dictionary.

#299: Let them have an aquarium.

#300: Shiny thing in driveway is your kid's new retainer.

#301: Always look before sitting.

#302: Have a snowball fight.

#303: Hold hands while crossing.

#304: Let them visit where you work.

#305: No matter what, they'll bring home colds from school.

#306: Remember what happened to Joan Crawford.

#307: Don't weep when the school bus takes them away.

#308: Attend school plays.

#309: Don't yell at Little League umpires.

#310: Junior High is traumatic.

#311: Everyone tries to get out of gym class.

#312: Before disciplining -- decompress.

#313: They'll outgrow their shoes before the laces get dirty.

#314: Let them play dress up.

#315: Learn to throw a baseball.

#316: Learn to catch a boomerang.

#317: If they created it at camp, put it on display.

#318: Food fights happen.

#319: Get washable wallpaper.

#320: Don't let them call you by your first name.

#321: They DO look cutest when they're sleeping.

#322: Tell ghost stories.

#323: Kids love antiheroes.

#324: Remember how your mother felt about Mick Jagger.

#325: Celebrate Velcro!

#326: Record their singing.

#327: She's all grown up when she stretches your sweater.

#328: You know your son's grown up when he blushes.

#329: Hang a tire swing.

#330: They'll eat paper and dirt and survive.

#331: If all else fails, take them to the video arcade.

#332: Let them get their ears pierced.

#333: Monster truck rallies can be educational.

#334: Let them play cowboy.

#335: Discourage them from tying up the babysitter.

#336: Don't hold up other people's children as role models.

#337: When they fall asleep in the stroller, don't move them.

#338: Show them photos of yourself as a child.

#339: Let's hear it for stereo headphones.

#340: Cartoons are a good way to learn classical music.

#341: Don't kiss teens in front of their friends.

#342: No credit cards until they graduate.

#343: Check before believing Dad said it was okay.

#344: Murphy's Law is true.

#345: Feel free to remind them of your labor pains.

#346: Sometimes you'll have to tell little white lies.

#347: Remember that you used Cliff Notes too.

#348: At least comic books mean they're reading.

#349: Disposable diapers are worth the guilt.

#350: Don't buy infant clothes without snaps.

#351: Clothes that fit just right are too small.

#352: Everybody's a critic.

#353: Get call waiting.

#354: If you have teenagers, get your own phone.

#355: You know more about chaos theory than most physicists.

#356: Grass stains are Mother Nature's way of saying "Hi".

#357: Nervous breakdowns-Nature saying "Take it easy.".

#358: Arrange to sleep in at least once a month.

#359: Know when enough is enough.

#360: Don't mention their zits.

#361: When technology is ready, clone yourself.

#362: Let your daughter wear your high heels.

#363: Admire your son's mustache even if you can't see it.

#364: Discourage grown kid's from writing a tell-all book.

#365: You'll never stop wondering if you did a good job